Relationships can be both the source of such powerful healing and also the source of our most painful wounds. What do we do with this simultaneous power and vulnerability in our relationship with ourselves and with others?
In our own personal inner work, we have this incredible (and intimidating) opportunity to get to know ourselves so honestly, to learn how to bring compassion towards what’s been exiled, to bring humility and accountability to the places we’ve caused harm, to discover the beliefs that became barriers to our authenticity, and to essentially build a relationship with ourselves that’s led by curiosity rather than command. This is empowering, humbling, and transformative work. And, if we’ve had little experience with compassion and presence with other people, it can feel so foreign and uncomfortable to claim those qualities within ourselves. It can truly be like learning something new, and just like any muscle, it needs practice to gain strength.
Additionally, and especially when we are trying to alleviate felt alone-ness or redeem the absence of empathy, sometimes practicing self-compassion within ourselves isn’t enough. Thus, I believe we tend to forget to honorably mention the healing power held within relationships with other people, not just with ourselves (even if that may include our therapist!).
While “self-care” and “self-love” tend to be hot topics, for a person who has struggled to have, or who has never had, safe relationships with other people, extending care only to oneself can sometimes feel more lonesome. Whereas, experiencing qualities of safety in another person can be healing in and of itself. For example, a person who was shamed for silliness and laughter in early childhood experiencing the safety and joys of silliness and laughter with other people as an adult can feel so restorative. Or, a person who has only known significant caregivers to be emotionally absent experiencing another person lovingly reaching for them can feel so therapeutically tender. In these ways, actually experiencing the felt safety provides evidence to the body that this is possible: loving connection with another person is possible. While a body that’s experienced trauma carries evidence that unsafety is possible, these healthy relational experiences relay the message (even if beginning in just a whisper): safety is possible.
Just like the self-care muscle, allowing felt safety in relationships to permeate fully into one’s body, to truly welcome that possibility, takes time, practice, and the continued experience. As we all know, building or re-building trust takes time. This is true both in relationship with ourselves and with other people, and perhaps both are equally valuable in the healing process.
CULTIVATING CURIOSITY: How do I experience felt safety in relationship with myself? How do I experience felt safety in relationships with other people? What is it like when I truly allow those experiences to permeate through to my body and spirit?
