Written by: Rachel Forbes
When Relationships Hurt — And Heal — at the Same Time
Learning to Relate to Ourselves with Compassion
Relationships can be both the source of such powerful healing and also the source of our most painful wounds. What do we do with this simultaneous power and vulnerability in our relationship with ourselves and with others?
In our own personal inner work, we have this incredible (and intimidating) opportunity to get to know ourselves so honestly, to learn how to bring compassion towards what’s been exiled, to bring humility and accountability to the places we’ve caused harm, to discover the beliefs that became barriers to our authenticity, and to essentially build a relationship with ourselves that’s led by curiosity rather than command. This is empowering, humbling, and transformative work. And, if we’ve had little experience with compassion and presence with other people, it can feel so foreign and uncomfortable to claim those qualities within ourselves. It can truly be like learning something new, and just like any muscle, it needs practice to gain strength.
Additionally, and especially when we are trying to alleviate felt alone-ness or redeem the absence of empathy, sometimes practicing self-compassion within ourselves isn’t enough. Thus, I believe we tend to forget to honorably mention the healing power held within relationships with other people, not just with ourselves (even if that may include our therapist!).
While “self-care” and “self-love” tend to be hot topics, for a person who has struggled to have, or who has never had, safe relationships with other people, extending care only to oneself can sometimes feel more lonesome. Whereas, experiencing qualities of safety in another person can be healing in and of itself. For example, a person who was shamed for silliness and laughter in early childhood experiencing the safety and joys of silliness and laughter with other people as an adult can feel so restorative. Or, a person who has only known significant caregivers to be emotionally absent experiencing another person lovingly reaching for them can feel so therapeutically tender. In these ways, actually experiencing the felt safety provides evidence to the body that this is possible: loving connection with another person is possible. While a body that’s experienced trauma carries evidence that unsafety is possible, these healthy relational experiences relay the message (even if beginning in just a whisper): safety is possible.
Just like the self-care muscle, allowing felt safety in relationships to permeate fully into one’s body, to truly welcome that possibility, takes time, practice, and the continued experience. As we all know, building or re-building trust takes time. This is true both in relationship with ourselves and with other people, and perhaps both are equally valuable in the healing process.
CULTIVATING CURIOSITY: How do I experience felt safety in relationship with myself? How do I experience felt safety in relationships with other people? What is it like when I truly allow those experiences to permeate through to my body and spirit?
Related Resources:
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) – Trauma Overview
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org/
Terms Defined
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety refers to the embodied experience of being able to exist authentically without fear of humiliation, rejection, punishment, or abandonment. It is not merely the absence of conflict; it is the presence of steadiness, respect, and responsiveness. In the context of trauma healing, emotional safety allows the nervous system to soften its protective strategies and experiment with vulnerability, expression, and connection.
Relational Trauma
Relational trauma occurs when harm happens within attachment relationships, particularly with caregivers or significant others. This may include neglect, inconsistency, emotional absence, shame, or abuse. Because the nervous system develops in relationship, relational trauma often organizes the body around protection rather than openness. In adulthood, this can manifest as hypervigilance, withdrawal, over-pleasing, or difficulty trusting safety even when it is present.
Felt Safety
Felt safety is the physiological experience of ease within the body. It includes subtle cues such as slower breathing, reduced muscle tension, grounded presence, and the ability to maintain connection without bracing. In this article’s framework, felt safety is evidence that the nervous system is beginning to register connection as non-threatening. It cannot be forced cognitively; it must be experienced somatically and repeatedly.
Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process by which one nervous system helps stabilize another through attuned, consistent interaction. Before we can fully self-regulate, we first learn regulation in relationship. Safe eye contact, steady tone, predictable behavior, and emotional responsiveness all contribute to this process. In trauma recovery, co-regulation provides corrective experiences that gradually recalibrate the body’s stress response.
Neuroplasticity
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s lifelong ability to reorganize and form new neural pathways in response to experience. In the context of healing emotional wounds, neuroplasticity means that repeated experiences of safe, attuned connection can reshape patterns previously organized around threat. Over time, consistent relational safety can reduce baseline hyperarousal and strengthen pathways associated with regulation and social engagement.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I’ve never experienced a safe relationship before?
Sometimes the answer reveals itself less through memory and more through the body.
If closeness consistently feels activating rather than settling — if vulnerability feels dangerous, confusing, or shame-filled — it may be that your nervous system has not yet had repeated experiences of relational safety. You might notice that you anticipate rejection even in neutral moments, brace for criticism when someone offers feedback, or feel compelled to over-perform, over-please, or emotionally withdraw in order to stay connected.
Clinically, individuals who have not experienced safe relationships often demonstrate patterns of hypervigilance, emotional numbing, difficulty identifying needs, or discomfort receiving care. Safety may feel boring, suspicious, or even threatening because it is unfamiliar.
Importantly, this is not a character flaw. It is adaptation. The nervous system organizes itself around what it has known. If unpredictability, shame, or emotional absence were early experiences, the body learned to survive accordingly.
The encouraging reality is that relational safety can be learned. It often begins with noticing what feels foreign — and approaching that unfamiliarity with curiosity rather than judgment.
How does trauma affect the ability to feel safe with others?
Trauma alters the nervous system’s baseline. When someone has experienced relational trauma — neglect, inconsistency, emotional harm, or abuse — the body may become organized around protection rather than connection.
From a neurobiological perspective, trauma sensitizes the threat detection system. The amygdala becomes more reactive. The stress response activates more quickly. The body may shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn even in situations that are objectively safe.
This means that even when a present-day relationship is kind and steady, the body may still interpret closeness as potential danger. The mind may understand, “This person is safe,” while the body remains guarded.
This disconnect can be deeply frustrating. Yet it is understandable. Trauma imprints memory not only through narrative recall but through sensation, posture, muscle tension, and breath.
Healing, therefore, is not solely cognitive. It involves helping the body accumulate new experiences of safety — slowly, repeatedly — until the nervous system begins to recalibrate.
What does it mean to experience “felt safety” in the body?
“Felt safety” is not simply the absence of danger. It is the embodied experience of ease.
Physiologically, it may include slower breathing, softened muscles, steady eye contact, warmth in the chest, or a grounded sense of presence. Emotionally, it often feels like permission — permission to be authentic, to express need, to disagree, to laugh freely, to rest without vigilance.
In polyvagal terms, this state corresponds with ventral vagal activation — the branch of the nervous system associated with social engagement, connection, and regulation. When we are in this state, we can be both alert and relaxed.
For someone with trauma history, felt safety may begin subtly. It might show up as a few extra seconds of exhale. A moment of not bracing. A flicker of relief.
The work is not to force this state, but to notice it when it appears — to gently allow it to register. Over time, these small embodied experiences become evidence. The body begins to learn: connection does not always equal harm.
How long does it take to rebuild trust after emotional wounds?
There is no universal timeline. Trust is built through consistency, predictability, and repair — and those elements require repetition.
Clinically, rebuilding trust often involves three core components:
Safety — The absence of ongoing harm.
Consistency — Reliable behavior over time.
Repair — The ability to acknowledge and mend ruptures.
For individuals healing from trauma, progress may feel nonlinear. There can be moments of closeness followed by waves of fear. This oscillation does not indicate failure; it reflects the nervous system testing new terrain.
What matters most is not speed but steadiness. The body tends to believe what it experiences repeatedly. Over time — through months or sometimes years of consistent relational experiences — trust can take root in a way that feels stable rather than fragile.
Both self-trust and relational trust often develop in tandem. As we become more attuned to our own needs and boundaries, it becomes safer to engage authentically with others.
Can safe relationships actually rewire the nervous system?
Yes.
Neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to reorganize itself — continues throughout adulthood. Repeated experiences of safe, attuned connection can gradually reshape neural pathways associated with threat detection and regulation.
Secure relationships provide corrective emotional experiences. When a person expects rejection and instead receives empathy, when they anticipate shame and instead encounter understanding, the nervous system registers new data.
Over time, these repeated moments can reduce baseline hyperarousal, increase emotional regulation capacity, and strengthen pathways associated with social engagement. Research in attachment science and interpersonal neurobiology supports this: co-regulation precedes self-regulation.
Healing through connection does not negate the value of self-work. Rather, the two processes inform one another. The relationship with oneself and the relationship with safe others become reciprocal teachers.
The body, which once carried evidence that unsafety was inevitable, can begin to carry evidence that safety is possible. And with enough repetition, that possibility becomes lived experience.
