Written by: Rachel Forbes
TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT NOTE: This post discusses imagery and historical context related to racial violence. These themes may be activating or painful for some readers. Please engage with care.
Why Context Matters in Therapy, Counseling, and Healing
I was having a conversation with someone about a private resident’s public Halloween display in a neighboring town that sparked a lot of controversy. This particular presentation was “asylum” themed, with skeletons dressed in inmate garb, clawing at a barbed wired fence and (most disturbingly) with pretend bloodied bodies hanging from nooses. As one can imagine, some local residents experienced this as “just some creative, creepy Halloween fun,” while others experienced something entirely different: a spectrum of moderate disturbance to deeper psychological and emotional harm.
The person with whom I was conversing fell on the side of “this is just some creative, creepy Halloween fun,” while I very much understood other residents’ outrage. In response to their curiosity and confusion, I said, “context matters.” And in that moment, I felt a little bit excited to talk about it, and I may have even made a mental note to write a blog post about it, because this is at the heart of the work I care most for: the belief that true healing begins with understanding the story behind the reaction.
For many residents, this “Halloween fun” was far too reminiscent of the hateful and racially motivated lynchings of Black people throughout the late 1800s and the first half of the 1900s. Not to mention, we are living in a highly charged and divisive time, very much rooted in racism. So while to some, who have been untouched by or uneducated about the depth of that trauma, this may appear “innocent,” but when we are in community with other people (which we all are, as inhabitants of this earth), and if we wish to live in harmony (perhaps that’s the real question - does everyone wish for this?), context matters when someone in the community cries out in pain. And before any true communal healing can happen, the first and most important step is bearing witness.
A Person-Centered Therapist’s View of Trauma, Family, and Compassionate Listening
What does bearing witness mean? Bearing witness means listening to truly listen, listening to understand rather than to respond or to react. It’s setting aside your own experience, your own agenda, your own fears, and listening with the compassionate curiosity that inherently lives within you.
So, in this particular case, with the Halloween display, that might look like:
- Pausing to truly notice that someone is both having a reaction and sharing something that feels painful to them.
- Asking the parts of myself who carry disagreement and/or confusion to step aside for a moment as we gather more information.
- Trying to access curiosity towards this person’s pain to understand, “What about this feels so painful to you?”
- In my greatest effort, remaining curious and open to receiving their truth.
This is actually much harder to do than it sounds, and it is also integral to healing in any space: individual, relational, and communal.
Healing Begins When We Feel Understood
If it’s helpful, think of a moment in time when you were feeling really upset about something. The people around you might have been taken aback or surprised by the intensity of your reaction, perhaps even afraid of it, wanting to quell or calm your reactivity. They might have said something like, “Oh, it will be alright,” or “Oh, you’re overreacting, it’s not so bad,” or “it’s just a joke!” How did that make you feel when they said those things? Did it help? Or did it fuel the fire (also known as gaslighting)? What would it have been like if they first paused to just hear how it felt for you, before offering any advice or comfort?
Person-Centered Therapy and Rogerian Counseling in CT
It is really hard for us to fully receive advice or to contemplate compromise when we do not feel understood, and I would guess most, if not all, who are reading this have experienced this in some form or another at some point in your life. So, how can we “become the change we wish to see in this world?”
What Presence Can Change in the Healing Process
If compassionate presence can be achieved first, it paves a much clearer path for the more energy-intensive work of attaining authentic connection and inner confidence, but the compassionate presence must come first.
CULTIVATING CURIOSITY: What would it feel like for me, if people could remain curious with me to understand how my experiences shape my reactions? And what would it feel like, if I could remain curious with other people to understand how their experiences shape their reactions?
Related Resources:
SAMHS - Coping with Bereavement and Grief
https://www.samhsa.gov/communities/coping-bereavement-grief
IFS Help Center
https://info.ifs-institute.com/ifsi-help-center
Polyvagal Institute - What is Polyvagal Theory?
https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
Equal Justice Initiative - Confronting the Legacy of Racial Terror
https://eji.org/reports/lynching-in-america/
Terms Defined
Bearing witness
Offering grounded, non-defensive attention to another person’s experience without rushing to explain, fix, or minimize it.
Compassionate curiosity
A stance of openness that asks what may be underneath a reaction instead of judging the reaction itself.
Emotional reaction
A felt response in the body and mind that may be shaped by present circumstances, past experiences, and unresolved pain.
Context
The personal, relational, cultural, and historical factors that give meaning to someone’s reaction.
Gaslighting
A response pattern that dismisses or distorts someone’s experience in a way that makes them question their own reality.
Presence
A regulated, attentive way of being with someone that helps create safety before deeper reflection, advice, or change.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does context matter in emotional reactions?
Context matters because emotional reactions are rarely about one moment alone. Our past experiences, family dynamics, exposure to trauma, and wider system influences can all shape how we respond in the present. In therapy, a therapist may look at the full picture instead of focusing only on visible behavioral responses. This person-centered approach helps people better understand their mental health needs, build resilience, and navigate difficult situations with more clarity. In Connecticut and across CT, many people seek counseling or psychotherapy because they want support that looks deeper than the surface of a reaction.
What does it mean to bear witness to someone’s pain?
To bear witness means slowing down and meeting someone’s experience with attention, empathy, and presence instead of trying to fix it right away. In person-centered therapy, this often means listening in a collaborative way so the person feels seen, heard, and respected. A therapist may tailor the process by drawing from integrative and holistic care, depending on the person’s history, goals, and stressors. For some people, that may include somatic practices, mindfulness, or self-care tools that help them cope more effectively. The goal is not to rush the moment but to create space for understanding.
Why do people shut down when they do not feel understood?
People often shut down when they do not feel understood because the nervous system can read dismissal as a threat. When that happens, it becomes harder to stay open, think clearly, or respond calmly. In counseling, this is why many evidence-based approaches focus first on emotional safety and connection. A therapist may use methods such as CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, IFS, EMDR, or other forms of psychotherapy to help clients work through patterns tied to PTSD, stress, or past trauma. For children, play therapy may also help them express what they cannot yet put into words. Feeling understood can make it easier to reconnect, reflect, and move forward.
What is compassionate curiosity in therapy?
In therapy, compassionate curiosity means exploring thoughts, emotions, and reactions with openness instead of judgment. It invites people to ask why something feels so strong, what past experience may be connected to it, and what support might help now. A person-centered therapist may use this mindset within a broader integrative process that can include somatic work, mindfulness, and other approaches that support mental health. This kind of curiosity can help people navigate conflict, improve self-care, and develop new ways to cope with stress in both in-person and virtual counseling settings.
How can I respond when someone’s reaction does not make sense to me?
When someone’s reaction does not make sense to you, it can help to pause before trying to explain it away. People often respond from layers of identity, attachment, belonging, and even intergenerational experiences that are not visible on the surface. A more rogerian and person centered way of responding is to create a safe and supportive environment where the other person feels heard. You do not need to have the same reaction to be empathetic. Sometimes the most helpful response is simply to stay curious, ask gentle questions, and make room for what may be underneath the moment.
Why can advice feel unhelpful when someone is emotionally activated?
Advice can feel unhelpful when a person is emotionally activated because they may not yet feel steady enough to take in solutions. During moments of distress, the mind and body may focus more on protection than problem solving. Before someone can use coping skills or new skills and strategies, they may first need a safe space and a sense that the other person is truly listening. This is one reason many health professionals and clinician led practices focus on connection before direction. When support comes too quickly, it can miss the deeper need underneath the reaction.
What is the difference between presence and empowerment in healing work?
Presence is about being with someone in a grounded and attentive way. Empowerment is about helping them reconnect with choice, voice, and action. In practice, therapy focuses on presence first because people often need emotional safety before they can move toward healing or make use of a new treatment plan. Therapy aims to help people feel understood before asking them to change. This is especially important during life changes, when old patterns can feel stronger and emotional responses may be more intense. Presence says, “I am here with you.” Empowerment helps someone decide what comes next.
How does trauma shape the way people react to present-day events?
A present day event can stir up much more than the moment itself. A past traumatic event, unresolved traumatic memories, or repeated traumatic experiences can shape how the nervous system responds to stress, conflict, and uncertainty. This is why a person may react strongly to something others see as small. Their response may be connected to old pain, learned protection, or past environments where they did not feel safe. Trauma-focused therapy and polyvagal-informed care can help people better understand these patterns and manage stress with more awareness. For many people, this work also supports greater self-awareness and steadier relationships.
What does a trauma-informed response sound like in conversation?
A trauma-informed response sounds calm, curious, and respectful. Instead of saying, “You are overreacting,” it may sound more like, “I can see this is bringing something up for you. Do you want to tell me more?” The goal is providing a safe space and a safe environment rather than pushing for quick agreement. This kind of response recognizes that a person may be carrying more than the present moment. In psychological services, this approach is often part of an integrative approach to therapy that may include different forms of support depending on a person’s individual needs and unique needs.
How can therapy help me understand the story behind my reactions?
Therapy can help you understand the story behind your reactions by looking at the patterns, relationships, and experiences that shaped them over time. Talk therapy offers space to reflect on what you feel, what you expect, and what you may be protecting. When you work with a therapist, the process can be personalized and tailored to meet your goals, history, and current mental health needs. Depending on the modality, care may draw from internal parts work, centered therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and other evidence-based therapies, including cognitive behavioral therapy. This work can support personal development, strengthen insight, and help children and families as well as adults move through life’s challenges with greater clarity.
