Written by: Rachel Forbes
Why I Keep Coming Back to Internal Family Systems
I am fully aware that you can happily read one of Richard Schwartz’s, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), books, but to be fully honest with you: I genuinely love talking about IFS! So, I’d love to share with you what I know and how I’ve come to understand the famous IFS.
In my own personal experience, I found IFS to have had the most profound impact internally, socially, and spiritually. Upon its first introduction, to be honest, I thought it to be quite strange. Then, I sort of surrendered, because I really liked and trusted this therapist. And I am so glad that I did. It ended up giving me the most destigmatizing tools to truly befriend myself with deep compassion, integrity, and honesty, and to bring healing to places that I didn’t think was possible. I left that work feeling both empowered and inspired to share it with others, hence it becoming the foundational modality I draw from while working with clients.
What Is Self in Internal Family Systems?
In Internal Family Systems, the foundational belief is that we all have a capital “S” Self who is, perhaps in other words and realms, known as our “highest self,” “the divine within us,” the “is-ness,” or the “one-ness.” This is the version of ourselves that we might imagine to be our most authentic being, when we feel most like ourselves.
The 8 C’s of Self
There are 8 main qualities to Self, all of which start with C, so they are also known as “the 8 C’s.” Those 8 C’s include: Compassion, Curiosity, Clarity, Creativity, Courage, Connectedness, Calm, and Confidence.
The 5 P’s of Self Energy
There are also 5 P’s, which I also really like: Patience, Persistence, Playfulness (a fave!), Presence, and Perspective. In the most optimal circumstance, Self is in the driver’s seat and leads the inner system. However, IFS also fully acknowledges that Self running the show one hundred percent of the time is not easily accessible within the human experience. More about that to come.
What Are Parts in the IFS model?
Then, in addition to Self, we also have “parts.” In essence, they are our humanity. They may carry certain feelings, experiences, beliefs, burdens, or take on particular roles in our “internal system.” Examples of well-known “parts,” which may also sometimes be described as “symptoms,” might be an anxious part, a rageful part, a perfectionistic part, a substance-using part, and so on and so forth.
Parts Are Not Your Entire Identity
An important and really humanizing trait to parts is that while they might be connected to our Self, they are actually not all of who we are. To clarify with an example, just because you might feel anxious often, or rather have an anxious part, it does not mean that you are an anxious person. At heart, therefore, the symptoms or the parts, do not define you or your personhood. Additionally, the belief is that all of us as human beings hold multiplicity. For example, how often have you casually said, “Well, a part of me wants to go out tonight, but another part of me wants to stay home and watch Netflix?”
I always emphasize with clients that we are not here to get rid of any parts, but rather we’re here to change our relationship with them. We are here to understand these parts of us more deeply, to understand how long they’ve been here, why they’ve felt the need to do certain things, and also what they might need from us to feel safe and to do things more harmoniously. The goal is then not to change entirely, or to “fix what’s broken,” but rather to increase internal harmony and overall felt sense of safety and manageability, all while honoring all parts of you.
The Three Main Categories of Parts
There are three dominant categories of parts: the managers, the firefighters, and the exiles.
Managers: The Proactive Protectors
The managers and firefighters are protectors or protective parts. This means that their role is to protect you and/or more vulnerable parts of you. I can also say that all protectors intentions are pretty much always loving (remember, intention rather than impact here). The difference between managing versus firefighting protectors is simple: one is proactive and one is reactive. The managers are proactive protectors who work really hard to prevent pain, suffering, and vulnerability. Some really common and well-known managing parts include: anxiety, perfectionism, and excessive strategizing and planning.
Firefighters: The Reactive Protectors
The firefighters are reactive protectors who work really hard to “put out the fire,” to end the pain as quickly as possible. Like firefighters, they care little about banging down doors, flipping over furniture, so long as they tend to their top priority: put out the fire. Some really common and well-known fire fighting parts include: rage, substance use, and disassociation.
These protectors tend to believe that they are the only ones looking out for you, and they have little to no idea that Self energy exists - that there is a soulful and authentic person inside who can lead with compassion, curiosity, courage, and all of the other C’s. Thus, they keep doing what they’re doing in their own attempts to save and/or protect you from what they believe could be harmful or vulnerable. They tend to hugely fear that if they didn’t do what they were doing, something really bad might happen to you. In nervous-system-conscious words, these parts are operating from an activated nervous system seeking to keep you alive in their own way.
Exiles: The Parts That Carry Pain
The exiles are the parts of us who carry our deepest and most painful wounds. They carry the inherited or internalized beliefs about ourselves and the world around us due to one or many experiences they’ve had. Some really common and well-known exiled parts include: a part who believes they are worthless, a part who believes they are unlovable, a part who feels utterly alone and does not trust that there is anyone in the world who can truly see them, or a part who has felt abandoned. Exiled parts are typically the ones that the protectors are trying to protect - either from us having to re-live their pain or from their exposure which could render more suffering.
How These Different Parts Work Together
An example of these parts at play: an anxious part (a managing protector) might work really hard to inform you of all the possibilities and continuously remind you of the things you must remember in order to protect you from feeling like a failure or being rejected by other people (an exiled part).
How IFS Therapy Helps Us Heal
Now, the next question might be, okay… so, how do we help these parts? What exactly do we do with them? Please note that my response here is certainly not a replacement for therapy. If you are interested in cultivating a relationship with your parts utilizing Internal Family Systems, I highly recommend seeking an IFS-informed therapist.
We help these parts, both protectors and exiles, firstly by acknowledging them without judgment and meeting them with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment, shaming, or rejection.
Why Protectors Need Acknowledgment First
In IFS, we generally start with getting to know and understand the protective parts first. After all, they’ve been running the show for usually the longest time, and their work must be honored with dignity before they might be willing or interested in laying their swords down. Truthfully, protective parts respond really well to loving acknowledgment and deep, deep appreciation. Think about a moment in time during which you worked really hard to do something with such loving intention, but later discover that those efforts were for naught or perhaps even caused harm. That is akin to the experience of a protective part. Would you benefit from acknowledgement of your hard work and loving intention? Of course, we all would.
What Unburdening Means in IFS
Once we have the protective parts’ permission, and once we have built both some trust and willingness with them, then we are able to get to know and help the exiled parts. The term commonly used is “unburdening.” We help the exiled parts to unburden those limiting beliefs about themselves and the world around them, to then invite back in what was always needed. The unburdening process can take some time and will move at its own pace. Let it also be importantly known that just because an exiled part is unburdened, it does not mean that it will never be revisited.
What Healing Can Look Like Over Time
I tell clients that this work is a bit like an upward-moving spiral: we revisit our parts over and over again, with more and more love each time.
Once exiled parts are unburdened and finally feel safe, protective parts may take on new roles - ones they didn’t feel safe doing while managing or firefighting. They will also feel a greater allyship with you as the leader (Self-leadership), and will work with you rather than against you. As an example, a once highly anxious and fearful part may instead advise you calmly as a loving reminder. Additionally, an example of the exiled parts and protective parts transforming together may look like: once the part of you who has felt worthless and unlovable feels loved, cared for, and worthy of love, then the rageful part may no longer feel the need to rage. Instead, perhaps that rageful part may actually prefer to listen to wild music, meditate or play fun games.
The Mind-Body Side of IFS
I also didn’t want to forget to mention that IFS work can also be very mind-body incorporated, as it also posits that our sensations are like portals into the emotional. In this way, we notice where we might carry some of these feelings or experiences inside of our body. This, too, can feel really unfamiliar and uncomfortable to some, and so this also should be guided at a pace that feels most comfortable for the client. For others, though, that meditative, mind-body work may come so naturally.
Why This Work Matters to Me
Lastly, I do want you to know that this work takes intentional, and often guided, time. I’ve probably said this in another blog post before, but we don’t call this “work” for nothing. It is truly work, and also when we do the work, we do reap the benefits.
I honestly could write about this forever, and to most people who speak with me about IFS, I so very clearly love this model. I love how destigmatizing and depathologizing it is, and I really love how it honors the full breadth of our humanity. Not only does it do that, but it also encourages our leading, empowering, and integrity-oriented qualities in addition to helping us access this incredibly loving wisdom we all inherently carry.
CULTIVATING CURIOSITY: How do I feel about the concept of “parts” and “Self”? Did any of that resonate with any of my own personal beliefs or experiences? How have I managed or responded to the natural multiplicity that lives within me? What would it look like or feel like to respond to myself with compassion and curiosity?
Related Resources:
IFS Institute, Richard Schwartz
https://ifs-institute.com/about-us/richard-c-schwartz-phd
Rachel Forbes, Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/rachel-forbes-new-haven-ct/367244
NIMH: Digital Shareables on Anxiety Disorders
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/get-involved/digital-shareables/shareable-resources-on-anxiety-disorders
NIMH: Digital Shareables on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/get-involved/digital-shareables/shareable-resources-on-ptsd
Mindful - mindfulness and meditation
https://www.mindful.org/
Terms Defined
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
A therapy model developed by Richard Schwartz that views the mind as made up of different parts, all of which can be understood and supported through Self-led healing.
Self
The calm, compassionate, grounded core within a person that can lead inner healing with clarity, courage, curiosity, and confidence.
Managers
Protective parts that work proactively to prevent pain, rejection, failure, or vulnerability by staying organized, perfectionistic, watchful, or controlling.
Firefighters
Protective parts that react quickly when pain is activated, often trying to shut it down through impulsive, numbing, or intense responses.
Exiles
Wounded parts that carry unresolved pain, shame, grief, loneliness, or painful beliefs formed through past experiences.
Unburdening
An IFS process in which wounded parts release the painful beliefs, emotions, or roles they have been forced to carry.
