Therapy for Adult Adoptees: What to Know and Where to Start

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Adult Adoptee Counseling That Begins With Being Seen

Why the Right Therapist and Treatment Can Change the Way Healing Feels

Beloved adoptee community,

This post is written from the heart, as everything that’s led me to where I am today has to do with its content.

I am truly uncertain as to where I’d be today without having met with a therapist in my early twenties who both understood the emotional depth within adoption and who had either learned or innately embodied the skills of emotional attunement and presence. I can confidently say that a good therapist, Lisa, changed my life. It also wasn’t entirely her and her personhood (though she was and is a truly remarkable human being), but rather, it was what she brought to the therapeutic space: she held ample emotional space for me to exist unapologetically and to explore within myself the burdens and barriers I’d been carrying unknowingly. She also simply and profoundly named felt experiences that were never given words before, but that I had felt so, so deeply for so, so long. It was so refreshing not to be seen as something “to be fixed,” and for my adoption to be acknowledged as contributory to how I’d been feeling.

Therapy for Individual Adult Adoptees Is Not About Being Fixed

Therapy is often mistaken as the place to “fix your problems.” Somewhere I once read, or perhaps someone once wisely said to me, “sometimes trying to help is not helpful.” This rings true in therapy. Rather than a space for solving or fixing, it is actually a place where you meaningfully acknowledge your present and past experiences, identify how they’ve made you feel, and get curious about what’s needed to feel emotionally safe and values aligned right now- all with the compassionate accompaniment of another human being. The most impactful therapeutic experiences I’ve had are the ones in which I have felt held, seen, and met with extraordinary curiosity so that I could draw from the depths of my own wisdom.

The Seven Core Issues Within Adoption

As an adoptee, so many therapists missed the mark. They focused so much on the behavior itself and my relationship to self-worth, all of which held truth, but only vaguely scratched the surface. They missed the seven core issues within adoption: loss, rejection, shame/guilt, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control. They did not consider that beneath my anger lived so much loss and grief: loss of my birth mother, birth family, birth culture, and felt connectedness to my lineage and people who resembled me. They did not consider that my feelings of low self-worth were deeply rooted in my vulnerability to rejection: if my birth mother didn’t want me, how do I trust that anyone will want me? They did not explore the possibility that some of my “behaviors” were connected to deeper feelings of shame, or that my conflicted sense of self was the consequence of societally burdened guilt and loyalty to my adoptive family. They also could not see that my challenges with clear boundary setting, people pleasing, and attraction to dysfunction protected my fear of abandonment.

Adoption Competent Therapy Can Name What Has Been Felt for Years

It was not until Lisa, the therapist whose therapeutic work changed my life, said to me as I was expressing such distress and agony about an intimate relational conflict, “some feelings run deep, like a well.” This was her way of introducing, “how you’re feeling in this moment may have older history, dating as far back as the origins of your adoption story.” Lisa was adoption competent. She understood that many layers live within the adoptee experience, and she seemed to organically know that if those layers were brought to light, welcomed, and de-stigmatized, maybe adoptees could feel less burdened.

Therapy That Welcomes All Parts of the Adoptee Self

Through this way of working, Lisa taught me how to bring true, soulfully aligned, and compassionate presence towards all parts of myself, including all of those complex layers related to my adoption. She taught me how to get to know all parts of me without judgment, and with the intention of understanding.. Our work together inspired the work that I do now. Therapy with her revived hope that healing was possible (sounds a little bit corny, but it is the most honest truth).

How to Find a Therapist as an Adult Adoptee

Questions to Ask an Adoption Competent Therapist

I share all of this with you as an offering of hope that therapeutic support can be transformational when you find the right fit for a therapist. For adoptees, that may mean finding someone who is either adoption competent by training, or adoption competent by lived experience. When searching for a therapist as an adult adoptee, here are some questions you might consider asking therapists as you are “shopping around” through initial consultations:

Do you have experience in working with adoptees?
What training or lived experience do you have related to adoption?
Do you have experience in working with people with attachment trauma?
How do you incorporate intersectionality into your therapeutic work?
Do you have experience in working with disenfranchised grief?

Adoption Competent Therapist Directories and Support Resources

Additionally, here are some adoption competent therapist directories you might consider checking out:

If you choose to search for a therapist on some of the more generalized platforms, such as Psychology Today or ZenCare, you might utilize the search terms: adoption, attachment trauma, attachment, grief, or complex trauma. If this is your first time searching for a therapist, I’d also recommend including your health insurance company in your search terms as well. For example, this could look like: “adoption competent BIPOC therapist who accepts Cigna.”

Also, here is a therapy fund specifically for intercountry adoptees who may not have the financial means to attend therapy:

https://iamadoptee.org/new-post/about-wellness-subsidy-2/

Starting Therapy as an Adult Adoptee One Step at a Time

Searching for a therapist can feel daunting, laborious, and nerve-racking. I really understand that. And taking that first step could lead to transformational care and inner work. So, what if we chose a middle ground where we practice taking one step at a time?

Perhaps the first step includes taking some time to research and prepare to hopefully minimize the extensiveness and spectrum of the process:

Seek platforms that feel community and values aligned (feel free to check out our resources page and scroll all the way down to therapist directories)
Get clear about what you’re looking for in a therapist: make a list of non-negotiables and prepare questions for consultations
Understand your health insurance coverage: call the member number on the back of your health insurance card to ask directly about your benefits for an outpatient behavioral health or mental health provider office visit.

The next step would be to start scheduling some initial consultations to get a feel for different therapists and their styles. By speaking with therapists directly, you’ll get an immediate energetic sense (a “vibe” if you will), and you’ll also gather more information about their skillset, experience, and therapeutic approach. With this further information, you’ll be able to make a better informed decision to identify what feels truly aligned for you. The good news, too, is that even if down the line you discover that the therapist may not be the right fit, you have every right and ability to continue your search. This process belongs entirely to you.

Why Adoption Competent Therapy Can Feel Different

While there are so many wonderful therapists out there, specifically for adoptees, working with an adoption competent therapist can be a game changer. As human beings, we naturally soften and expand when we feel emotionally safe and connected, and even more so when there is an authentic, felt, emotional resonance with another person. So, as adoptees, it makes a lot of sense to try to connect with someone who “gets it” without having to explain so much.

Root & Return Wellness and Therapy-Informed Support for Adoptees

As an adoptee who’s experienced a lot of therapy, this is exactly why I founded Root & Return Wellness. As cliche as it may be, I want to pay forward that which I was so fortunate to receive: a safe space to process my adoptee experience, being held, seen, and supported by someone who “gets it.” I am in process of creating cohorts and self-paced courses for adoptees and adoptive families, in hopes of cultivating community and safe spaces to express without judgment, explore the complex layers, deepen understanding, and reconnect with inner wisdom. If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, please feel free to reach out to me directly rachel@rootandreturnwellness.com, and I’d be happy to keep you personally updated about upcoming openings. Please know, these cohorts and courses will not be replacement for therapy, but rather psychoeducational and communally supportive.

Considering Therapy When You Feel Hesitant

If you’ve been contemplating therapy in general, but have felt hesitant, what if we opened up to the possibility that therapy can be genuinely supportive? What if we soften towards the possibility that it might take time to find the right therapeutic fit? What if we give ourselves permission to move at our own pace in the process?

CULTIVATING CURIOSITY: What feels really important to me when I consider entering therapy? What do I hope to gain from therapy? What do I fear might happen in therapy? What do I need within the therapeutic relationship to feel safe and open to explore some of my deepest experiences and emotions?

Related Resources:

National Council For Adoption: Acknowledging and Dealing With the Impact of Loss in Adoption

https://adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-93/

Terms Defined

Adoption competent therapist

An adoption competent therapist is a mental health professional who understands the emotional, relational, developmental, cultural, and identity-based complexities that may be part of the adoption experience.

Adult adoptee

An adult adoptee is an adult who was adopted as a child. Adult adoptees may continue to explore how adoption has shaped identity, belonging, grief, attachment, family relationships, and personal healing.

Attachment trauma

Attachment trauma refers to emotional wounds connected to early relational disruptions, inconsistent caregiving, separation, abandonment, or experiences that impacted a person’s sense of safety in relationships.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not fully recognized, validated, or supported by society. For adoptees, this can include grief related to birth family, culture, lineage, identity, or losses that others may not understand as losses.

Emotional attunement

Emotional attunement is the ability to notice, understand, and respond to another person’s emotional experience with presence, care, and sensitivity.

Therapeutic fit

Therapeutic fit refers to how safe, understood, respected, and supported a client feels with a therapist. For adult adoptees, therapeutic fit may include whether the therapist understands adoption, attachment, grief, identity, and cultural complexity.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is therapy as a service like for adult adoptees?

Counseling for adopted adults is a supportive service for adopted adults who want space to explore early separation, family complexity, questions about birth parents, and the way those experiences may shape relationships, life choices, and sense of safety. The goal is to create a secure place where clients can explore what they carry, build coping tools, and move at a pace that feels manageable.

How can an adoption competent therapist support adult adoptees?

An adoption competent counselor or specialist can help clients explore adoption issues related to biological family, birth parents, foster care, reunion, fear, rejection, belonging, and self protection. This work may also support people who struggle with depression, anxiety, changes in mood, or a repeating pattern that shows up in relationships or daily choices.

What should I ask a therapist before starting therapy as an adoptee?

When you reach out for help, you can ask whether the provider has worked with adopted adults, foster care, biological family separation, birth parents, reunion, identity issues, stress disorder, depression, or anxiety. You can also ask about session length, structure, insurance, low cost options, and whether they can offer a referral if they are not the right fit.

Why does adoption competent therapy matter?

An adoption competent approach matters because adoption issues can be layered and easily misunderstood when care focuses only on behavior or symptoms. A provider with this background may help clients understand old coping strategies, family roles, biological questions, loyalty conflicts, fear, and the thought patterns that may influence current relationships.

Can therapy help adult adoptees with attachment trauma?

Yes. Adoption counseling can help clients explore fear, people pleasing, boundary challenges, relational conflict, avoidance, and difficulty feeling secure with others. Depending on the person, the right type of therapy may include psychotherapy, somatic support, parts work, person centered care, or counseling that focuses on nervous system safety and relationship patterns.

What are the seven core issues within adoption?

The seven core issues often include loss, rejection, shame, guilt, sorrow, questions of self, intimacy, and control. Counseling for adoptees may help clients explore how these themes connect to adoption issues, identity issues, reunion, family roles, birth parents, biological connection, fear, and the need to feel more secure in daily life.

How do I find an adoption competent therapist?

To find a therapist, start with directories, community resources, trusted providers, or a referral from someone familiar with adoption counseling. You can search for terms such as counseling for adopted adults, adoption competent, foster care, reunion, biological family, birth parents, online, and CT to narrow your options.

What if I feel nervous about starting therapy?

Feeling nervous is understandable, especially if you struggle to explain what you need or worry about being misunderstood. Starting with one session can provide structure and help you notice each thought, body response, or fear without needing to solve everything at once. Online support may also feel more comfortable if you want to begin from a familiar and secure space.

Are Root & Return Wellness cohorts a replacement for therapy?

No. Root & Return Wellness cohorts and self paced courses are not a replacement for individualized care with a mental health provider. They are meant to offer education, community, reflection, and coping support. If you need clinical care for depression, anxiety, stress disorder, a traumatic event, or another disorder, it may be best to reach out for help through a licensed provider or ask for a referral.

How do I know if therapy is the right fit for me as an adult adoptee?

This work may be supportive if you want help making sense of adoption issues, identity issues, biological questions, birth parents, reunion, relationship concerns, avoidance, or a repeating pattern that affects your life choices. The right provider should help you feel secure, respected, and able to manage the process at a pace that honors your needs.

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